Digital Imagination

It’d suck being deaf in the hood.

I had a full blog post and everything about International Talk Like Bob Dylan Day, and completely forgot to post it. Anyways, May 24th was Bob Dylan’s birthday, me and about 600,000 of my friends (going by my stats counter) celebrated by mumbling all day. It even made the press!

Check out the submitted videos and feel free to send in your own!

Most of the people who read this blog are not technical, but all of you whom I know personally have heard me talk about network security. I’ve told you to install Firefox, update and install virus-checkers, get rid of spyware and adware, and even run a scan of your computer at grc.

Now, I’m going to try to keep this relatively simple, but the reason I’m so keen on this subject is because proper computer security is not just for your personal and financial security, it’s for everyone’s.

I’m going to give you a small quote from an article I just read. It’s part of a speech by Dan Geere where he discusses the NIMDA virus, which very few of you will remember. On September 18th 2001, a week after 9/11, NIMDA was responsible for knocking out nearly 1/3 of the world’s computers. In his speech, Dan explains how we almost suffered an even more devastating loss:

“…As you know, nearly all malware in the wild persists there. An older virus called E911 was such an example. E911 would cause your modem to dial 911 repeatedly; that is all it did. Now when I call you on the phone, the circuit stays up until the calling party disconnects. When I call 911, however, the circuit stays up until the called party disconnects, a difference that is done at the switch for the obvious reason that you do not want the intruder to cut the phone line and the Police Dispatcher to have to say “Now whom was I talking to?” For the Police to hang up on a 911 call when the calling party has gone away requires a human decision, made under uncertainty, done at human time scales. Because of this, it is possible to saturate a 911 console and that is precisely what the E911 virus was crafted to do — saturate a 911 console.

The E911 virus was old and forgotten on September 18, 2001, but it was still available on the net and, of course, the Internet in the fall of 2001 was still dominated by dial-up connections. We got lucky in the simplest, stupidest, dumb luck kind of way. No jackass had the imagination to grab the E911 virus and re-target it at the backdoor NIMDA was busy installing at warp speed everywhere while we all were pre-occupied with watching CNN 24×7. If someone had done that, then everyone in America would have gotten up the morning of September 19 only to find that there was no emergency service available nationwide; it would have been turned off everywhere and all at once, like a light switch. While that would not have been a disaster of a physical sort, I submit that it would have been a grand mal seizure of the public confidence. Clinically that defines terror, it would have required no planning just opportunistic reaction, and it would have been an unpredictable event whose downstream influence was out of all proportion to is concrete effects. 

On September 18, 2001, we escaped a public loss of confidence by luck and luck alone.”

This is why I focus on security so much, this is why I talk about it every time we speak on the phone. When you leave your computer unpatched, or run poorly-secured programs, you literally open yourself up to the world. When you do, you will be the cause of a “Digital Pearl Harbor“.

One of the things I have not missed since having my portside poo portal installed is sitting down in a public restroom. I’m sure that many of you, if given the opportunity, would gladly take the opportunity to avoid them as well (I doubt you’d go to such lengths to avoid them however).

What kind of Neanderthals are the people who always seem to go into a public toilet before me? Every single WC I go into has piss on the floor, an unflushed commode, no (or inexplicably wet) toilet paper and a smell that can only be described as “New Orleans” Who are these people? Who is it that goes into a bathroom and decides, “I’m just gonna fuck this up for everyone else.”

Even where I work, at a multi-billion dollar corporation with custodians who clean the john’s hourly, someone has taken to wiping their fecal matter on the wall of the stall. It baffles the mind. Do you hate your job, or just the people who have to clean up your filth? What kind of passive-aggressive low-life do you have to be to wipe your ass and rub it on the wall? Who are you shit-rubber? Is this a statement, some sort or art form you’re inventing called shitfitti? Are you checking for worms?

Does your bathroom at home look like this? If you were at a party, would you just take a giant burrito-laden dump and not flush the toilet? No, because you’re a human being and have an unspoken social contract that says, “we clean up after ourselves.” Even cats have the sense to cover up their crap.

But that’s the part that disturbs me, because some people, when faced with an opportunity to destroy something without fear of repercussion, will rub shit on the walls, or piss on the toilet seat, or do God-knows-what to the toilet paper, for no other reason than to make your life miserable.

So, if there’s any bright side to having this bag, if there’s anything I dread, it’s joining the rest of you in the loo.

1. My FrontSide Backside
2. My Bellybutt
3. The blow-hole near my happy trail
4. My Over the Naval Dung Dropper
5. My Rerouted Rectum
6. My Side Sphincter
7. My Public Pool Evacuator
8. My Bad-timing flatulator
9. My Anterior Posterior
10. Ol’ Scatty
11. My Abdominal Alimentary Access
12. My pot-belly poo pouch
13. My Guthole
14. The Early Exit on the Feces Freeway
15. My Belly Brown-eye
16. My Tummy Turd Blossom
17. My Makeshift Manure Manager
18. My Ostimate
19. Muh Muh Muh My Stoma (to the tune of My Sharona)
20. My Midriff Muck Maker

By Kris Felscher (Stuff I Just Made Up Press)

Tampa, FL – Faced with mounting supply costs and an unstable financing market, new home developer Sally-May McKeen, 8, is faced with an ugly reality; she must demolish her property. “It’s not fair,” Sally cries, “Everyone else gets to make money but me!”

Like many home buyers over the past few years, Sally had little verifiable income, but with only a $5.00 a week allowance and no credit history, she managed to finance a 4-bedroom home with a large deck, 2 swimming pools and a small barn for a pony.

“There’s no kitchen, no bathrooms, and the house is wantonly built with differently colored plastic blocks,” said Real-Estate agent Patty Snow, “There’s no way I can sell this. Sure, two years ago we could have made a fortune, but now…”

The decision to demolish has been spurred by Sally’s principal financier, Daddy. When confronted about his decision to halt Sally’s construction, he said, “Look, these damn Lego’s are expensive. Money doesn’t grow on trees you know. What’s more, I’m tired of stepping on the silly things. You can’t even walk around this house with bare feet anymore.”

This isn’t the first setback Sally-May has dealt with on this property. Only a week ago, many of her construction supplies were stolen from her building site. The materials were recovered after Sally discovered that they’d been used by her brother to build a Dinosaur ranch. “She doesn’t share so I had to take them, otherwise my Raptor’s would escape,” explained Bobby, 6. The family dispute was quickly settled by Mommy, who said, “I’ve had it up to here with the two of you, play nice!”

This upset follows a dramatic week which saw Barbie’s Malibu Dream House foreclosed on. “Of course she couldn’t pay her mortgage, she spends all her money on clothes,” says ex-boyfriend Ken. “Don’t worry, she’ll land on her back somewhere, that broad has been seen naked by so many kids that the Pope tried to have her moved to a different diocese.”

(many thanks to potentato for the idea)

Yesterday I had a doctor’s appointment to have my stomach staples removed. As we were leaving, a nurse came up and started cooing at Ace. Always the woman’s man, Ace started winking and smiling at her.

She said, “Awww, are you flirting with me?”

Just then, right on cue, he reached out and grabbed her boob.

I have never been more proud of my child.

Also in the Ace News: He’s started standing by himself today, I just happened to have my camera ready and caught his first attempt.

I read a great blog post yesterday about “Society’s Cognitive Surplus.” In the article, Clay Shirkey posits that Americans wastes about the equivalent of 1,000,000 wikipedia projects (not pages mind you, the entire volume of the site) per year watching television.  It also points out that media producers need to beware, as future generations are becoming more attracted to the internet as a means of entertainment.

This is not news. The new media, the internet, provides a way for people to not only be entertained, but to provide feedback and be part of a community or project. The great thing about the internet is that most sites offer in some way, shape or form the ability for you to provide input.

Now, it’s no secret that I’m a geek. I love my computer(s), not because I love tinkering around with them (which I d0), but because of the very fact that they’re interactive. I can communicate with other people, build something to show the world, spout off my demented opinions in my blog or watch other fascinating people on youtube. It provides me with a constant data feed that keeps my mind active. To me, computers are a heck of a lot more entertaining than the television.

So I guess I’m not a geek after all… I’m a revolutionary.

10. Wow, I guess our bodies don’t really process seeds/corn skin/peanuts!

9. Never having to sit down at a public bathroom stall

8. I forget what 8 was for

7. You can pretty much get whatever you want just by threatening to swing the bag around “splattering shit like a drunk on a tilt-a-whirl”.

6. Getting to use the sentence, “I apologize, I recently had an operation that left me unable to control my flatulence, however, I assure you, while it does appear that I dealt it, you won’t have to smelt it.”

5. Seriously, and I can’t stress this enough, you NEVER have to sit down at a public bathroom stall!

4. If you think this bag is full of shit, you should meet my brother-in-law!

3. Whenever anyone anywhere in your vicinity passes gas, you get to make a mad dash to the restroom to make sure you’re not leaking.

2. When your wife/boss is yelling at you for something you did/didn’t do that you didn’t know you wer/weren’t supposed to do, being able to secretly think “I’m pooping right now”.
1. Watching yourself poop is just like seeing George Bush’s domestic policy get prepared.

“Thank you your Holiness, Awesome Speech.” AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m a freaking Athiest and I would give the Pope more respect than that!

I bet he has a nickname for the Pope as well, something like or “Touchy McPopey” or “Padre Bendover”.